I need space to vent right now and this is where it is going to happen.
We live in a day of modern medicine but I have become very aware of a huge gap or lack of higher level services for mentally ill children between the ages of 3-5 year old.
Child abuse is the "ugly step-sister" in our society. Nobody wants to talk or hear about it. Just recently on NPR there was a report that a large child pornography website had been shut down. The site included videos of babies and small children being raped. Some of you may not be able to read on but I am still going to write because everyday I love a child that was horrifically abused the first two years of life. I know what happens to a child when they have been raped before having two words in her vocabulary. These children have no voice, no power. Where is there agency? It is taken by evil.
I watch as the daughter I love can not love me because her brain has been damaged on an organic level because she was not nurtured and her basic needs were not met. She feels like she does not deserve love and fears to love anybody because people always go away. So that makes strangers much more comfortable to be around than loving family members. My daughter draws pictures that are called "my screams." She tells me about fire in her bum and babies with bloody bums and black blood in their poop.
The professionals say that we have provided the "ideal" intervention for two years and now our last option is a residency placement. Okay, so that is hard. But then we are told, no program will take a child so young. So your child has special needs that can only be met by a 24 hour staff but no one can help you do that so good luck. A helpless child, victim's needs can't be met.
I called NAMI this week, the leaders in education for mental illness. I explained my situation and on the other end of the phone a cold voice said, "We cannot help you."
These children that lost their agency early in life are horrible to live with. They live in a hell of their own. Most children with severe abuse early in life are so difficult that they burn through loving homes every few months. Which only exasperates their attachment disorder.
I have opened my daughters room to find her covered in her own blood. How did it happen? With her very short fingernails.
I watch this child eat and eat until her stomach is extended and she throws up. So scared that there will not be enough food. She drew a picture last week of a sad and mad baby. She said, "baby not know if hers have food any more." And then we have the sippy cups hidden under the bed and PICA where eats things that are not food like chalk, plastic, metal items, feces etc.
Crisis workers told us six months ago that it would hurt her attachment to be placed in a psychiatric hospital while I sat there shaking with the trauma of seeing a small child injure herself on a daily basis. I was relieved when Kenna was admitted into the psychiatric hospital. The hospital gave the crisis workers "feedback" on the situation because the hospital should have seen Mckenna 6 months ago when we were dealing with 2 major issues instead of 6. I thanked our treatment team about giving that "feedback" to the crisis workers because I don't think most parents could have made it through the last 6 months. They all agreed. I would like to think that our pain helped those that will come down our same path access help for their child's needs sooner.
When Mckenna was 3 we had a few rough days, as usual, so I was keeping an extra close eye on her. She was sitting on a bar stool at the bar. I turned around to stir dinner on the stove, I turned back and saw Mckenna with vacant eyes carving a plastic knife back and forth across her wrist. Three years old! Not looking for attention, just quietly hurting herself.
In that moment I ask where was God's mercy and gift of agency? Sometimes I get so mad, with faith in my stomach and pain in my voice, my honest heart yells at God. I think He appreciates honesty in our feelings and this is what I say, "Where is Your justice, mercy and gift of agency when a child is hurt before they have a voice?" I ask for justice to those who have injured a small child in such a horrific manner.
Wow, now I am exhausted from venting, there is so much more but I need the sleep.
Sorry if this was too graphic. I will not be afraid to give a voice to those little ones that do not have one.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
SG Triathlon- Sprint
Had an amazing weekend with Gaila, Mary Jane and Steve. I drove down Thursday night with Steve. We stayed at the Grow's home in Ivans, just outside of St George. These wonderful friends were so supportive and fussed over me. Taking care of 5 kids and a husband, I wasn't accustomed to being fussed over, it was healing in a way. I didn't have a lot of support during High School sports so having friends support me meant a lot! When Gaila, Mary Jane and I get together, people think we are drunk. Thinking up the most inappropriate situations possible, we laugh until our abs hurt and tears run down our faces.
Then at other times we cried tears of sadness over life's injustices to children.
A lot of my best friends are 20, 30 and even 40 years older than me. I have noticed that with older friends or male friends there is less competitiveness, loving each other unconditionally without competing against one another is so liberating.
Friday we spent time up Snow Canyon and then we headed over to beautiful Sand Hollow Reservoir for a practice swim and to check out the course. This was my first time swimming with a wetsuit! The weather was grumpy and the water showed it with rolling waves. I kept up with the group from the timp tri club even though panic was in my heart. Thinking, "Wave! Breath. Wave! Breath!" I survived to swim another day. We went into St George to packet pick up where Gaila made 20 more friends. When I got home I realized that the body marker volunteer put 44 on my leg for age. Do I look 44 years old or did I stutter?
Steve made a little wager that if I got under two hours on the race he would pay for dinner at Red Lobster. I enjoyed my tilapia for free!
This was my first tri try in 4 years. I was interested to see how my time would compare to four years ago. Because of the following:
1- I was carrying 6% more body fat than four years ago.
2- It was a different course.
3- I wasn't running with a concussion like I did four years ago (that is another story).
4- I started a new training program called Crossfit. I did very little mileage the last few weeks.
5- I am 33 not 29 year old.
6- Two years ago, I blew out my heart valve and had a pericardial effusion.
For me, a beginner triathlete, the result was a personal record time by 8 minutes, finishing at 1 hour 52 minutes and a few seconds. Ranking 59 out of 150 women is average but for me it felt above average. A personal victory over many emotional and physical trials.
The 750 M swim was fun, 19.47 minutes. Chatting with other athletes and making new friends is a fun part and atmosphere of a race. I think Gaila made 20 new friends. During the swim and bike I thought, "This is sooooo fun!" I felt strong during the famous bike hill of St George, even encouraging other athletes that were struggling. While biking, my big gear wouldn't stay shifted, I found out later that the cable was loose. I could have pushed harder on the bike but was anticipating the run. The run, well, not my strength. I need to work on running faster paces. I always finish races with a 50 meter sprint. Gotta love goose bumps at the finish. Then, usually, after races I get a sick stomach followed by a viral infection. But with good hydrating and supplementing with airborne and zinc lozenges, there was no sickness. Yeah! After the race I enjoyed a massage followed by eating lettuce and oranges (the post race food provided had gluten and milk in it). Part of my fitness plan is to eat more "paleo." Oats are something I haven't given up and its hard to cut out all sugar because athletes need the sugar during endurance sports. Paleo just makes my GI tract happier and it is a healthier life style.
Sunday we took a quick stroll up Snow Canyon and attended a local sacrament meeting, where Gaila made 20 more new friends. Then I drove home with Gaila.
Sweet Spencer survived the weekend with our hundred kids, autism, and crazy strict allergy issues. He admitted to me that he would roll over to my side of the bed at night to smell my pillow. So cute and supportive.
This will be a hard weekend to forget, beautiful scenery and beautiful friends. Good times!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Pixies and Kisses
Tender headed hair chewing Cynthia got a hair cut this week. It was a special date since we have never paid for a hair cut before. I wanted Cynthia to feel special with short hair. Her pixie hair cut matches her enchantingly sweet and bubbly personality. Hopefully the new hair cut will also cut out the hair chewing habit that created quite the dreadlocks for this tender headed pixie.
Favorite blanket of all time made by Great Grandma Breinholt.
Favorite blanket of all time made by Great Grandma Breinholt.
So Sweet!
Richard is so much like Grandpa Richard. He likes quiet time, chocolate, soft clothes, tends to be opinionated and at times a little on the grumpy side.
I can't believe how big he is getting, as you can see in the picture below, he is bursting at the seams.
Richard doesn't like change when it comes to sippy cups and clothes. He tantrums when we introduce new clothes to his soft cotton wardrobe.
Throughout the day Richard demands in his deep voice "choco miwk" and in exchange I say, " I wonna kiss." He SLOWLY puckers his little lips and plants a slightly embarrassed kiss on my cheek.
This is true joy! A Richard kiss. I am truly infatuated by this valiant little man.
Mood Swing Love
Before Christmas, with the help of a wonderful neighbor Wayne Hardman, I installed beam supports above Kenna's room for an indoor swing. This was one of those gifts I could hardly wait til Christmas to open.
We have two swings. One a canvas Ikea swing and the other a Lycra hammock that I ordered online and smells like Las Vegas plus gross cigarette cover up spray. The Lycra swing is Kenna's favorite. Autistic children, like Kenna, love to swing. The movement helps them to relax.
What a smile!
Kenna rubs her face into the swing and sometimes, as seen in this picture, she licks it trying to get her sensory needs met.
She goes from hot red anxious hyperventilation to a state of Zen deep breathing in a matter of minutes. It is miraculous.
We have two swings. One a canvas Ikea swing and the other a Lycra hammock that I ordered online and smells like Las Vegas plus gross cigarette cover up spray. The Lycra swing is Kenna's favorite. Autistic children, like Kenna, love to swing. The movement helps them to relax.
This is Kenna's Happy Place!
What a smile!
Kenna rubs her face into the swing and sometimes, as seen in this picture, she licks it trying to get her sensory needs met.She goes from hot red anxious hyperventilation to a state of Zen deep breathing in a matter of minutes. It is miraculous.
We had three great weeks but this week, not so much. What a blessing this swing is during weeks like this when her body has acclimated to her meds and we are all ready to scream and cry because of one broken terrorized brain.
We just celebrated Valentines Day this week. A time to express love to those around us. But it is weeks like this that I see my imperfect love. It is so easy to love a child that gives back to you and responds quickly to love. But Kenna is different. It's like fumbling around in the dark hoping that our good intentions and love is sinking in and that the angry frustrated moments are not sticking.
The progress in the last year is astounding, she is amazing. But when she goes back to food gorging, reactive, disregulated and crazy energy, lets face it, I get a little crazy myself. She is so much easier to love when she is regulated/medicated. But that wasn't the plan apparently. Apparently, I have a lot to learn from this little person. Part of me can look back over these hard times and say I DID MY BEST. Another part of me wishes that I was more and that I had a more perfect love like our Savior. A love that has no end. A love that has no scarcity. A love that is patient and infinite.
I know that MY BEST IS ENOUGH. That is what I can put on the alter, my best effort. It still isn't perfect and that is why the atonement is a part of my life daily, because I am far from perfect on my best day. How could I ever have hope without Jesus Christ? A loving brother that saves me. That is true love. A true Valentine.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Provo Half Marathon
Better late than never on blogging stuff, Right?
Marilyn (Mom), Me, Liz, Jason
Marilyn (Mom), Me, Liz, JasonHow many people can say that they have run 13.1 miles with their sister and mom? I can! Also throw in a brother-in-law for fun and that makes up my first 1/2 marathon that was on Halloween day. It was fun to see other friends also enjoying the costumes and fresh fall air in Provo Canyon. Go Thomsens!
Warning, Sorry, bragging coming up! ........My Mom ran her first Marathon 1 year after having breast cancer and a double mastectomy. She is 57 year old! Your an inspiration Mom. Go Mom!
This fall was also my baby's 2 year birthday. Which mean that two years ago, (1 week after Richard's birth) I was told by a cardiologist that I had a heart of a 80 year old woman. It took me 45 minutes to walk 1/2 mile, two year ago. But look now, I am running (around the average 1/2 marathon time)! Go Danielle!
Posing for Clayton Beck
Final painting
Clayton Beck
What can I say, I'm vain!I am really interested in art. I feel compelled and pulled to it. I have this need to create and see through others eyes. Last fall, I was asked by Ryan Brown the owner of CAS (Center for Academic Study and Naturalist Painting), a small art school in Springville Utah, to pose for Clayton Becks demo of portrait painting. Clayton Beck is known nationally for portrait painting, he studied with painters like Richard Schmid. The demonstration was really cool. I learned a lot while getting paid, which helped pay for my tuition. I remember that day well because it was the day I got Mckenna's autism diagnosis.
The school teaches after the classic European masters. I was studying figure drawing which was interesting and difficult. At first, I wasn't sure how I would feel about drawing nudes but the atmosphere was totally professional. The human body is so beautiful and very complicated to replicate on paper. I am a total amateur but I have also been studying with Patrick Devonas who is an AMAZING master painter and admirable person. My other very good friend and teacher Mary Jane Grow (yes that is her real name) has been so supportive and taught me about enjoying the process. I have such great friends that are so dear and precious to me. I am so blessed.
Mouse Trapping Club
Did you ever start a club when you were a kid? Like a "babysitters club" or "no girls allowed club?"
Just had to share! Eight year old Katrina has a club. She starts it up annually as the mice flee the local construction zones to share in the warmth of our home which has a bountiful abundance of food on the floor after all meals.
Here is what her Club Flier says:
Mouse Trapping Club
Rat(picture of rat x'ed out) + Mouse (picture of mouse x'ed out) =
Mouse/rat trappers (picture of happy kids)
Team Members
Alex,Claire, Ishmael?, Israel?
Rat Leader: Katrina
Fun Activities
1. Play Mouse Trap TM for practice
2. Draw pictured of our plan
3. Make practice traps
4. Roll play of mouse trap
Mouse Pledge
(this is the best part)
I pledge to not scream when I see a mouse (Guess I can't be in the club) and, to make good and smart traps. I promise these things to the Mouse Trapping Club.
I hope this made you smile like it did me. Katrina is a natural leader and so creative.
Monday, November 1, 2010
To our Family and Friends about McKenna
Dear family and friends,
McKenna has been the greatest challenge that Spencer and I have ever had. I would take three high risk teenager girls over one 35 pound three year old. Trials make us bitter or stronger. I prefer the latter.
We have now had Mckenna for one year. When we first got Mckenna we had no idea that she was so broken. She came to us 26 months old with a five word vocabulary, she now has over 250 words in her vocabulary. She was anxious about food -- there was never enough, gorging until she would throw up and hoarding sippy cups under her bed. It is really sad, she never once asked for her mother. She hadn't formed an attachment to a parent figure, causing Reactive Attachment Disorder. I thank God that we got her before the age of three because at three years old attachment seals over like cement. If attachment has not occurred before that time it becomes like chipping away at cement.
We worked so hard, it took months before she would drink from a bottle and let us rock her to form trust. We had over 30 appointments a month in therapy. Later came brief moments of eye contact. I saw the REAL Mckenna only 2 times in our first 11 months with her. Those brief glimpses kept me going on days that I was emotionally done with her. When Mckenna's Psychiatrist told me that she had attached, I almost cried with joy. It took so much heartache and rejection after rejection. Her attachment is still not secure but it is there. I continue to feed her at least one meal a day to help her remember to trust that we will take care of her and that she will have enough food.
This summer Mckenna's attachment was getting better but her anxiety was getting worse so last month we went in for more assessments.
On top of the disorders from neglect, Mckenna was diagnosed with Autism spectrum last month. She has PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PDD). We are still trying to learn what that means.
Autism has a spectrum of disorders with autistic disorder being the most severe, Mckenna has a higher-functioning form. 1 in 1,000 children born in the U.S. are diagnosed with PDD. Mckenna is very intelligent and clever. PDD is a neurological condition, the cause is genetics and possibly infection, immune system problems, allergies, even drugs or environmental pollution. PDD children tantrum A LOT until about age 5 1/2 to 6 years old because their brains have mini seizures. Mckenna's vocabulary/language is advanced considering that she has PDD. With early intervention and LOTS of support PDD people go to school, work, marry and have families.
This Wednesday at 7pm Kids On The Move in Orem has a panel with adults who have autism discussing what it is like to be autistic. If you are interested we would love to have you come.
Red Box has a great movie out called Temple Grandin. Dr. Temple Grandin has a different form of autism than Mckenna but the movie helped us understand a little better what it is like to be in Mckenna's skin. Anxious! Like McKenna says, "I need to calm down."
Carie sent me a great link to a pod cast. Mckenna is not as severe as the two stories (act one and two) in the pod cast, but I totally relate to the parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder and autistic children: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/unconditional-love
Mckenna's senses are much more sensitive than ours, she hears things 10 times louder than we do, lights are much brighter. Textures are wonderful or exhausting to her. She craves physical stimulus similar to an itch on your back that can't be reached. Sometimes she can't get enough stimulation and other times she is way over stimulated, it is a fine line. She doesn't read social cues, so social situations and groups of people stress her out. Some suggestions.....When you greet her, if she doesn't greet you, she is probably overwhelmed, it's best to just ignore her. But if she approaches you, by all means quietly greet her remembering that loud noises stress her out. It is better to go into her world and bring her out to our world. When she behaves like a wild animal, look at her and think "she is crying for help." A mom with an autistic son recently told me that autism is like having a little purple monster in the brain that runs around pulling out plugs and pooping all over.
Autistic children tend to have a lot of allergies and immune system problems (Mckenna had tubes put in her ears last June after 8 ear infections in 3 months). She is on a special diet that helps her tummy and brain a lot. No gluten (wheat, rye, and barley), no casein (dairy), no food dyes/preservatives and very little sugar.
She really likes coloring, school, riding the bus to school, play dough, riding her bike, touching water, swinging, back scratches, baby wipes, lotion, singing songs, and stickers. She is very proud that she poops and pees in the potty.
We now have medication. The changes we see happen slowly but the progress is very exciting. Instead of being a terrorized hyperactive child, she is now a happy hyperactive child. Yeah for drugs! We get more glimpses of the REAL Mckenna verses the SICK Mckenna. Last month she started saying, "I love you Mommy" or "I love you Daddy."
Every time I have to write Mckenna's surname (Morgan) it pulls at my heart. It reminds me that we have not finalized the adoption and she is not ours eternally, yet. We are working on accessing subsidies for adopting a special needs child via social security disabilities because therapy and medication is expensive. Therefore, we will probably not have the adoption finalized for a while still as we wait for more word on the SSI help.
This is a long post but I wanted to communicate with you concerning our needs and appreciation of your support concerning the ongoing saga of Mckenna. We could not do this without your support. It is REALLY hard. But we know without a doubt that it is the right thing to do. Love is greater than fear! I think that sometimes we are given more than we can handle..... so that we are forced to ask for help - both from the Lord as well as from family and others. We are very blessed.
P.S. This is Spencer. I know at times it may have appeared that I was not on board with the decision to keep McKenna because, well, it was true - I wasn't on board. I kept hoping that Danielle would change her mind and give McKenna back to Sarah (her birth mom). I kept seeing McKenna as a temporary trial that we had to endure until some not-so-distant future date that we could finally get rid of her. Come to think of it, this manner of thinking was really damaging not only my relationship with her, but it was even damaging me, to an extent. I recently (within the past month) came to the understanding that this is something that not just Danielle, but the Lord wants me to do. I realize how hard it is to love her and to eventually accept her as our own (which I'm still struggling with), but I feel that if the Lord wants us to do something, we should probably do it, regardless of the difficulty of the task. I was only able to recently come to this understanding via some heavy soul searching and a ton of prayer and faith in the Lord. I might ask each of you to say a prayer - not necessarily for us, but for yourselves - to learn that this is what God wants our family to do. It's hard because I can see in so many of our family members' eyes the sense of foreboding and fear that McKenna might end up tearing our family and marriage apart. All I can ask is that each of you have the faith and acceptance that everything is going to be okay. I realize that it is going to be hard, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
We are not saints or think we are better than others for having Mckenna, we are not unique in our trials, we all have hard things in our lives in one form or another. We are taking it a day at a time, just like you.
Love,
Danielle and Spence
McKenna has been the greatest challenge that Spencer and I have ever had. I would take three high risk teenager girls over one 35 pound three year old. Trials make us bitter or stronger. I prefer the latter.
We have now had Mckenna for one year. When we first got Mckenna we had no idea that she was so broken. She came to us 26 months old with a five word vocabulary, she now has over 250 words in her vocabulary. She was anxious about food -- there was never enough, gorging until she would throw up and hoarding sippy cups under her bed. It is really sad, she never once asked for her mother. She hadn't formed an attachment to a parent figure, causing Reactive Attachment Disorder. I thank God that we got her before the age of three because at three years old attachment seals over like cement. If attachment has not occurred before that time it becomes like chipping away at cement.
We worked so hard, it took months before she would drink from a bottle and let us rock her to form trust. We had over 30 appointments a month in therapy. Later came brief moments of eye contact. I saw the REAL Mckenna only 2 times in our first 11 months with her. Those brief glimpses kept me going on days that I was emotionally done with her. When Mckenna's Psychiatrist told me that she had attached, I almost cried with joy. It took so much heartache and rejection after rejection. Her attachment is still not secure but it is there. I continue to feed her at least one meal a day to help her remember to trust that we will take care of her and that she will have enough food.
This summer Mckenna's attachment was getting better but her anxiety was getting worse so last month we went in for more assessments.
On top of the disorders from neglect, Mckenna was diagnosed with Autism spectrum last month. She has PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PDD). We are still trying to learn what that means.
Autism has a spectrum of disorders with autistic disorder being the most severe, Mckenna has a higher-functioning form. 1 in 1,000 children born in the U.S. are diagnosed with PDD. Mckenna is very intelligent and clever. PDD is a neurological condition, the cause is genetics and possibly infection, immune system problems, allergies, even drugs or environmental pollution. PDD children tantrum A LOT until about age 5 1/2 to 6 years old because their brains have mini seizures. Mckenna's vocabulary/language is advanced considering that she has PDD. With early intervention and LOTS of support PDD people go to school, work, marry and have families.
This Wednesday at 7pm Kids On The Move in Orem has a panel with adults who have autism discussing what it is like to be autistic. If you are interested we would love to have you come.
Red Box has a great movie out called Temple Grandin. Dr. Temple Grandin has a different form of autism than Mckenna but the movie helped us understand a little better what it is like to be in Mckenna's skin. Anxious! Like McKenna says, "I need to calm down."
Carie sent me a great link to a pod cast. Mckenna is not as severe as the two stories (act one and two) in the pod cast, but I totally relate to the parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder and autistic children: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/unconditional-love
Mckenna's senses are much more sensitive than ours, she hears things 10 times louder than we do, lights are much brighter. Textures are wonderful or exhausting to her. She craves physical stimulus similar to an itch on your back that can't be reached. Sometimes she can't get enough stimulation and other times she is way over stimulated, it is a fine line. She doesn't read social cues, so social situations and groups of people stress her out. Some suggestions.....When you greet her, if she doesn't greet you, she is probably overwhelmed, it's best to just ignore her. But if she approaches you, by all means quietly greet her remembering that loud noises stress her out. It is better to go into her world and bring her out to our world. When she behaves like a wild animal, look at her and think "she is crying for help." A mom with an autistic son recently told me that autism is like having a little purple monster in the brain that runs around pulling out plugs and pooping all over.
Autistic children tend to have a lot of allergies and immune system problems (Mckenna had tubes put in her ears last June after 8 ear infections in 3 months). She is on a special diet that helps her tummy and brain a lot. No gluten (wheat, rye, and barley), no casein (dairy), no food dyes/preservatives and very little sugar.
She really likes coloring, school, riding the bus to school, play dough, riding her bike, touching water, swinging, back scratches, baby wipes, lotion, singing songs, and stickers. She is very proud that she poops and pees in the potty.
We now have medication. The changes we see happen slowly but the progress is very exciting. Instead of being a terrorized hyperactive child, she is now a happy hyperactive child. Yeah for drugs! We get more glimpses of the REAL Mckenna verses the SICK Mckenna. Last month she started saying, "I love you Mommy" or "I love you Daddy."
Every time I have to write Mckenna's surname (Morgan) it pulls at my heart. It reminds me that we have not finalized the adoption and she is not ours eternally, yet. We are working on accessing subsidies for adopting a special needs child via social security disabilities because therapy and medication is expensive. Therefore, we will probably not have the adoption finalized for a while still as we wait for more word on the SSI help.
This is a long post but I wanted to communicate with you concerning our needs and appreciation of your support concerning the ongoing saga of Mckenna. We could not do this without your support. It is REALLY hard. But we know without a doubt that it is the right thing to do. Love is greater than fear! I think that sometimes we are given more than we can handle..... so that we are forced to ask for help - both from the Lord as well as from family and others. We are very blessed.
P.S. This is Spencer. I know at times it may have appeared that I was not on board with the decision to keep McKenna because, well, it was true - I wasn't on board. I kept hoping that Danielle would change her mind and give McKenna back to Sarah (her birth mom). I kept seeing McKenna as a temporary trial that we had to endure until some not-so-distant future date that we could finally get rid of her. Come to think of it, this manner of thinking was really damaging not only my relationship with her, but it was even damaging me, to an extent. I recently (within the past month) came to the understanding that this is something that not just Danielle, but the Lord wants me to do. I realize how hard it is to love her and to eventually accept her as our own (which I'm still struggling with), but I feel that if the Lord wants us to do something, we should probably do it, regardless of the difficulty of the task. I was only able to recently come to this understanding via some heavy soul searching and a ton of prayer and faith in the Lord. I might ask each of you to say a prayer - not necessarily for us, but for yourselves - to learn that this is what God wants our family to do. It's hard because I can see in so many of our family members' eyes the sense of foreboding and fear that McKenna might end up tearing our family and marriage apart. All I can ask is that each of you have the faith and acceptance that everything is going to be okay. I realize that it is going to be hard, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
We are not saints or think we are better than others for having Mckenna, we are not unique in our trials, we all have hard things in our lives in one form or another. We are taking it a day at a time, just like you.
Love,
Danielle and Spence
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A words
Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, A.D.D., and drum roll please......AUTISM. Mckenna is autistic. The first time I heard this I was thrilled. Yes, I really was because finally someone listened to me and validated all of my thoughts and feelings. But then the next day it hit me in the stomach hard. I am still working on the grieving process. She scored high enough to rank autism disorder but she is more likely P.D.D. spectrum. With Mckenna it is so complicated because of her other diagnosis which include Reactive Attachment Disorder, Anxiety mood disorder, P.I.C.A., P.T.S.D. Labels are helpful because then I know what I am up against and then educate myself about the label or maybe they just make me feel like there is control to the chaos.
I think autism is like a little furry monster in the brain with crazy googly eyes that runs around pooping and peeing on everything and while laughing, pulls out plugs. Autism can be a gift, to be able to see things in such extreme detail while teaching those around them true love. But for a parent of an autistic child, autism is a purple monster in the brain of your child.
What keeps me going is the 2 or 3 times that I have seen the REAL Mckenna. She is beautiful and compassionate! I am glad God has given me those glimpses so I can have something to hold onto during bad seasons.
With the kids food allergies, asthma, autism and suspected A.D.D., I am putting half our family on a gluten/casein free diet. In other words I am relearning how to cook. Wheat is in so many things. A loaf of gluten free bread is $6. I think our grocery bill is going to at least double. But I feel in my heart that this is the right direction to go. Healing through biomedical ways instead of putting band aids on symptoms.
I never thought I would medicate a three year old. But then we got Kenna. She lives in terror and thus, so do we. Spencer and I agree that this is the hardest thing we have ever done. I would prefer three high risk teenagers over one broken brained three year old.
I was told that PDD kids get easier when they hit 5 1/2 to 6 years old. I hope we make it. The other morning Mckenna had 5 tantrums before 8:30 am. The painful thing is that she can hold it together for other people and in public but at home she falls apart. People that don't know Kenna well think she is just an active cute girl with big brown eyes. I wish it was the opposite, that she was bad for other people and great for me so that I don't look like "one of those" moms. Okay lets face it I am "one of those" moms.
She has pushed me to do my own personal work. I have to take care of Danielle. I do more self care than ever and I still feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails. 85% of marriages with an autistic child end in divorce. Trials bring us closer and make us stronger or make us bitter. July and August were really hard. Because of the stress my hair started falling out, every day for three weeks I had migraine headaches, I woke up and literally could not get out of bed because my back was so messed up, and I can't loose my "Mckenna adoption weight" because my cortisone levels are so high.
This is sounding very whinny but it feels good to purge. I am sorry but you may be reading my journaling therapy.
I have so much to learn and have been given so many gifts. The best gifts have come in the form of people in my life.
Good news. I am in art school at CAS in Springville and I am taking private lessons from Patrick Devonas, a master of painting. Also, I am running my first half marathon on Halloween. Go me!
I think autism is like a little furry monster in the brain with crazy googly eyes that runs around pooping and peeing on everything and while laughing, pulls out plugs. Autism can be a gift, to be able to see things in such extreme detail while teaching those around them true love. But for a parent of an autistic child, autism is a purple monster in the brain of your child.
What keeps me going is the 2 or 3 times that I have seen the REAL Mckenna. She is beautiful and compassionate! I am glad God has given me those glimpses so I can have something to hold onto during bad seasons.
With the kids food allergies, asthma, autism and suspected A.D.D., I am putting half our family on a gluten/casein free diet. In other words I am relearning how to cook. Wheat is in so many things. A loaf of gluten free bread is $6. I think our grocery bill is going to at least double. But I feel in my heart that this is the right direction to go. Healing through biomedical ways instead of putting band aids on symptoms.
I never thought I would medicate a three year old. But then we got Kenna. She lives in terror and thus, so do we. Spencer and I agree that this is the hardest thing we have ever done. I would prefer three high risk teenagers over one broken brained three year old.
I was told that PDD kids get easier when they hit 5 1/2 to 6 years old. I hope we make it. The other morning Mckenna had 5 tantrums before 8:30 am. The painful thing is that she can hold it together for other people and in public but at home she falls apart. People that don't know Kenna well think she is just an active cute girl with big brown eyes. I wish it was the opposite, that she was bad for other people and great for me so that I don't look like "one of those" moms. Okay lets face it I am "one of those" moms.
She has pushed me to do my own personal work. I have to take care of Danielle. I do more self care than ever and I still feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails. 85% of marriages with an autistic child end in divorce. Trials bring us closer and make us stronger or make us bitter. July and August were really hard. Because of the stress my hair started falling out, every day for three weeks I had migraine headaches, I woke up and literally could not get out of bed because my back was so messed up, and I can't loose my "Mckenna adoption weight" because my cortisone levels are so high.
This is sounding very whinny but it feels good to purge. I am sorry but you may be reading my journaling therapy.
I have so much to learn and have been given so many gifts. The best gifts have come in the form of people in my life.
Good news. I am in art school at CAS in Springville and I am taking private lessons from Patrick Devonas, a master of painting. Also, I am running my first half marathon on Halloween. Go me!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
M18 Hellcat 1of2
M18 Hellcat 1of2
Here is part one of two about M18 Hellcat tanks that my cousin posted on facebook. Part two talks about restoring the same tank my Grandpa drove as a tank commander in WW2. It was found in eastern Europe. It survived WW2 and a few more wars in eastern Europe before finding it's way to Utah to be restored. What are the chances! The same tank he drove in Battle of the Bulge.
Here is part one of two about M18 Hellcat tanks that my cousin posted on facebook. Part two talks about restoring the same tank my Grandpa drove as a tank commander in WW2. It was found in eastern Europe. It survived WW2 and a few more wars in eastern Europe before finding it's way to Utah to be restored. What are the chances! The same tank he drove in Battle of the Bulge.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Running Away on Vantentines Day
Today Alex decided to run away. While doing time in "time out" he concocted a plan. He packed some clothes in his pillowcase and then with Katrina's help loaded another pillowcase up with snacks. With a plan and supplies he walked 10 yards to his friend's house, Gracie, next door. The neighbors were not home to welcome him into his new home so he decided to wait it out on the porch. At this point Cynthia decided she wanted to live with Gracie too and packed her pillowcase with supplies to run away. Alex and Cynthia hung out on the neighbors porch laying on pillows and eating Valentine candy. Cynthia soon chickened out once the sun started going down and it got cooler. Katrina acts as the liaison, keeping us up to date on the situation and his needs. He came home for dinner and to use the potty. Life on the streets is hard for a five year old on Valentines day.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
New Hair!
It has been a while since I have last posted. At this time in my life I have very little me time. I think of things to blog about but to find time to sit down and actually do it is another thing.
It's such a fine line balancing act. To keep my health up so I can care for others. Right now I'm fighting a sinus infection and urinary tract infection. I hate to complain but CAN I HAVE MY RESURRECTED BODY ALREADY! One of my greatest challenges in this life has been the limits I have due to this immortal body. I wish I could do more, meaning all the things in my heart. I wait for the day I can paint more. God has given me this intense yearning to create. I've been working on the same oil painting for years and doing water color on the side. Art makes me feel whole. Scrape booking is like my cheap art thrill. It lets out some of that creative energy but painting is the true avenue which asks so much more. But that pure avenue also scares me because it is like opening up myself, raw to others. My art teacher has taught me to love the process which has help me overcome the fear. For a long time I couldn't paint because it was too close to my depression. But now I feel I have overcome a lot of that with angels holding my hand. Scrape booking is also for my kids while painting is more about me. Some days I feel like I give so much that there is no more to give.
This entry got more personal than I was planning. I wanted to post about Makenna. Makenna and I met Sarah, her birth mother after Christmas at McDonald's. Sarah notice the major changes in Makenna, Makenna was having a good day. I was interesting to see how Makenna interacted with her Mother of 2 years. Makenna just stared at Sarah and then occasionally the corner of her mouth would curl up. She never tried to touch her Mother and vice verse. She came to me when she needed anything. She pooped 4 times while we were there. Her therapist said it's called emotional dumping. (Hehe). Sarah came with arms full of gifts. She really wants Makenna to know that she loved her. As we were getting ready to leave, I was putting Makenna in her car seat, Sarah asked if she could hold her. I said yes. Makenna let her hold her and Sarah cried. It was hard.
A few weeks ago Sarah called and said she was frightened to say something to me. She wants Makenna back. She said that Makenna was her daughter and that she needs her daughter. She said, " I know I promised you I wouldn't do this but......". I tried not to rage. A little leaked out. I told her I would never allow Makenna to be damaged more. I pointed out the work we were doing to repair that damage done. We have around 25 appointments a month to help Makenna and our family work through the damage done. I have never shown Sarah anything but Love and Respect. Ouch. It hurts that she will step on anyone to have her needs met. I should let you know that earlier that day she told me that she wanted to leave her husband but couldn't get housing unless she had 2 children. SICK! But again she was damaged early too. But I always hope she would choose a better path.
I told her that our conversation was over and that if she wanted professional counseling to help her work through her feelings we would provide that. I love Sarah but Makenna comes first. So we have cut off contact. Sarah threatens that she is pursuing legal action because she felt pushed into the adoption, even though she came to us about the adoption, and she had postpartum depression. And to that I say bring it on. Thanks goodness we are protected by law and there is nothing she can do.
Makenna regresses and improves depending on the day. Yesterday the food gorging was much less. She has learned to say "I'm scared!" instead of "Drink!" She still get the wild animal looks in her eyes when we are in new situations or transitioning. Spencer calls it the "sky diving look." She is scared out of her mind and smiling because of the adrenaline rush. She is a surviver. When she is in a public place and freaking out I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "I didn't do this to her! She came like this!" I guess thats just my pride that doesn't want people judging me for the way she acts.
Our attachment is so much better this month. We regressed her to taking bottles while holding and rocking, providing her with a safe avenue to attach. She now gives me the gift of eye contact. Attachment is formed by age 3. So we are doing everything in our power to give her the opportunity to bond and feel safe.
I love to show off Makenna's hair line. She has been through so much tauma and maybe low nutrition that her hair was thin, really thin. But now I want to show the world her hairline because just like me after being pregnant, she is growing in new hair on her hair line. It is short but it is there. I think the reason I'm so proud of this is because it's visual proof of the work I'm doing. I can't show you a plaque on the wall for all the hours of stress, anger, and frustration that comes with working with Reactive Attachment Disorder but I can show you the hair growing on Makenna's hair line which is proof of nurtuting and growth.
I'm not looking for pats on the back I just want validation for the blood and sweat that comes with this work. This work is different than the work I did with our foster daughters because so much more healing can happen at 2 than 14. It is sad but true. Also, this work is different because after we go to the temple to be sealed, this relationship will be for time and all eternity.
I am looking forward to the day Makenna stops calling me "Daddy." I can laugh about it but it is important to me for Makenna to understand what "Mommy" means. I think that day is coming soon.
It's such a fine line balancing act. To keep my health up so I can care for others. Right now I'm fighting a sinus infection and urinary tract infection. I hate to complain but CAN I HAVE MY RESURRECTED BODY ALREADY! One of my greatest challenges in this life has been the limits I have due to this immortal body. I wish I could do more, meaning all the things in my heart. I wait for the day I can paint more. God has given me this intense yearning to create. I've been working on the same oil painting for years and doing water color on the side. Art makes me feel whole. Scrape booking is like my cheap art thrill. It lets out some of that creative energy but painting is the true avenue which asks so much more. But that pure avenue also scares me because it is like opening up myself, raw to others. My art teacher has taught me to love the process which has help me overcome the fear. For a long time I couldn't paint because it was too close to my depression. But now I feel I have overcome a lot of that with angels holding my hand. Scrape booking is also for my kids while painting is more about me. Some days I feel like I give so much that there is no more to give.
This entry got more personal than I was planning. I wanted to post about Makenna. Makenna and I met Sarah, her birth mother after Christmas at McDonald's. Sarah notice the major changes in Makenna, Makenna was having a good day. I was interesting to see how Makenna interacted with her Mother of 2 years. Makenna just stared at Sarah and then occasionally the corner of her mouth would curl up. She never tried to touch her Mother and vice verse. She came to me when she needed anything. She pooped 4 times while we were there. Her therapist said it's called emotional dumping. (Hehe). Sarah came with arms full of gifts. She really wants Makenna to know that she loved her. As we were getting ready to leave, I was putting Makenna in her car seat, Sarah asked if she could hold her. I said yes. Makenna let her hold her and Sarah cried. It was hard.
A few weeks ago Sarah called and said she was frightened to say something to me. She wants Makenna back. She said that Makenna was her daughter and that she needs her daughter. She said, " I know I promised you I wouldn't do this but......". I tried not to rage. A little leaked out. I told her I would never allow Makenna to be damaged more. I pointed out the work we were doing to repair that damage done. We have around 25 appointments a month to help Makenna and our family work through the damage done. I have never shown Sarah anything but Love and Respect. Ouch. It hurts that she will step on anyone to have her needs met. I should let you know that earlier that day she told me that she wanted to leave her husband but couldn't get housing unless she had 2 children. SICK! But again she was damaged early too. But I always hope she would choose a better path.
I told her that our conversation was over and that if she wanted professional counseling to help her work through her feelings we would provide that. I love Sarah but Makenna comes first. So we have cut off contact. Sarah threatens that she is pursuing legal action because she felt pushed into the adoption, even though she came to us about the adoption, and she had postpartum depression. And to that I say bring it on. Thanks goodness we are protected by law and there is nothing she can do.
Makenna regresses and improves depending on the day. Yesterday the food gorging was much less. She has learned to say "I'm scared!" instead of "Drink!" She still get the wild animal looks in her eyes when we are in new situations or transitioning. Spencer calls it the "sky diving look." She is scared out of her mind and smiling because of the adrenaline rush. She is a surviver. When she is in a public place and freaking out I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "I didn't do this to her! She came like this!" I guess thats just my pride that doesn't want people judging me for the way she acts.
Our attachment is so much better this month. We regressed her to taking bottles while holding and rocking, providing her with a safe avenue to attach. She now gives me the gift of eye contact. Attachment is formed by age 3. So we are doing everything in our power to give her the opportunity to bond and feel safe.
I love to show off Makenna's hair line. She has been through so much tauma and maybe low nutrition that her hair was thin, really thin. But now I want to show the world her hairline because just like me after being pregnant, she is growing in new hair on her hair line. It is short but it is there. I think the reason I'm so proud of this is because it's visual proof of the work I'm doing. I can't show you a plaque on the wall for all the hours of stress, anger, and frustration that comes with working with Reactive Attachment Disorder but I can show you the hair growing on Makenna's hair line which is proof of nurtuting and growth.
I'm not looking for pats on the back I just want validation for the blood and sweat that comes with this work. This work is different than the work I did with our foster daughters because so much more healing can happen at 2 than 14. It is sad but true. Also, this work is different because after we go to the temple to be sealed, this relationship will be for time and all eternity.
I am looking forward to the day Makenna stops calling me "Daddy." I can laugh about it but it is important to me for Makenna to understand what "Mommy" means. I think that day is coming soon.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Makenna is ours
We have felt much love from family and friends during the last three weeks of excitement and fear. I look back over the last few years and see the Lord's tender mercies in preparing us to adopt Makenna.
The night before court, last Thursday, we were getting ready for bed and reading scripture stories when we heard a "bang bang." We immediately look around and said, "Where's Makenna?" We ran into our bedroom to find Makenna banging on the keyboard, man is she fast. On Spencer's flat screen monitor was scribbled blue permanent marker. It was one of those moments where we froze and took ten deep breathes. For a moment we questioned our decision to adopt Makenna. But then we remembered the confirmation we have had that we ARE making the RIGHT choice. The next morning Makenna's birth Mom relinquished all rights to us. Court went well and Sarah appears to be confident in her decision and isn't looking back. Because she considers me her "Mom," she doesn't have the same concerns and issues to work through that other birth mothers do. Sarah is an angel that has given our family an amazing gift that will bless us through the eternities. We look forward to being sealed to Makenna in March.
The night before court, last Thursday, we were getting ready for bed and reading scripture stories when we heard a "bang bang." We immediately look around and said, "Where's Makenna?" We ran into our bedroom to find Makenna banging on the keyboard, man is she fast. On Spencer's flat screen monitor was scribbled blue permanent marker. It was one of those moments where we froze and took ten deep breathes. For a moment we questioned our decision to adopt Makenna. But then we remembered the confirmation we have had that we ARE making the RIGHT choice. The next morning Makenna's birth Mom relinquished all rights to us. Court went well and Sarah appears to be confident in her decision and isn't looking back. Because she considers me her "Mom," she doesn't have the same concerns and issues to work through that other birth mothers do. Sarah is an angel that has given our family an amazing gift that will bless us through the eternities. We look forward to being sealed to Makenna in March.
Halloween pics
Due to Friday's Trunk R Treat and Saturday's Trick or Treat we have our years supply of candy. Seriously it is ridiculous. Oh well, the kids have fun and we keep the dentist employed. Spencer and I make sure that taxes are paid to parents periodically.
Cynthia the Princess and Alex the Power Ranger
Richard (Moto Moto) the Hippo
Katrina the Black Cat is chased by Makenna the puppy.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
When Life Throws You a Curve Ball.....
When life throws you a curve ball... you swing!
Last Sunday night we picked up McKeena Skye Morgan who is two years old. Her mother, who I spoke about in my last blog, was our foster daughter. Sarah (Skye) has asked us to adopt her because she has confidence in our ability to provide better for her than she can.
Monday I spent the day being freaked out by the responsibility and fears of the unknown. I'm feeling a little braver now. We haven't had much time to process everything and need support from others.
The plan is that we keep McKenna for two weeks and then if Spencer can't convince Sarah to let another family (that can't have children) adopt her, then we will proceed to start the adoption process.
McKenna came to us in bad condition. A dog recently attacked her so her face is covered in sores. Under her chin there is a laceration that is infected so she is on antibiotics. She has a staph infection on her leg and had a diaper rash. She has darling big brown eyes. We are hoping that with better nutrition her hair will come in thicker. She throws impressive tantrums and appears to attach herself onto anyone that gives her attention.
She loves our kids and wakes up happy to see us. She is 15 months older than Richard and 15 months younger than Cynthia. Alex asks if Mckenna can sit next to him and if she gets to stay with us. He said, "McKenna looks great" and later "McKenna is beautiful." Cynthia sees her more as a "Frenemy." A best friend and worst enemy. This morning Cynthia was looking at her like "Can my friend go home now?" Even though they are over a year apart McKenna and Cynthia wear the same size clothing and shoes. McKenna is about 1 1/2 inches shorter than Cynthia.
Pregnancies are very difficult for me and my heart is grumpy. I want a large family so this is a huge blessing but also a challenge. It would mean we would have five kids with the oldest being 7 years old. It has all come as a huge surprise. I know that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and has a plan, whatever it may be we will do our best.
Last Sunday night we picked up McKeena Skye Morgan who is two years old. Her mother, who I spoke about in my last blog, was our foster daughter. Sarah (Skye) has asked us to adopt her because she has confidence in our ability to provide better for her than she can.
Monday I spent the day being freaked out by the responsibility and fears of the unknown. I'm feeling a little braver now. We haven't had much time to process everything and need support from others.
The plan is that we keep McKenna for two weeks and then if Spencer can't convince Sarah to let another family (that can't have children) adopt her, then we will proceed to start the adoption process.
McKenna came to us in bad condition. A dog recently attacked her so her face is covered in sores. Under her chin there is a laceration that is infected so she is on antibiotics. She has a staph infection on her leg and had a diaper rash. She has darling big brown eyes. We are hoping that with better nutrition her hair will come in thicker. She throws impressive tantrums and appears to attach herself onto anyone that gives her attention.
She loves our kids and wakes up happy to see us. She is 15 months older than Richard and 15 months younger than Cynthia. Alex asks if Mckenna can sit next to him and if she gets to stay with us. He said, "McKenna looks great" and later "McKenna is beautiful." Cynthia sees her more as a "Frenemy." A best friend and worst enemy. This morning Cynthia was looking at her like "Can my friend go home now?" Even though they are over a year apart McKenna and Cynthia wear the same size clothing and shoes. McKenna is about 1 1/2 inches shorter than Cynthia.
Pregnancies are very difficult for me and my heart is grumpy. I want a large family so this is a huge blessing but also a challenge. It would mean we would have five kids with the oldest being 7 years old. It has all come as a huge surprise. I know that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and has a plan, whatever it may be we will do our best.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I'm a Grandma, Again.
On 9-9-09 Sarah (Skye) had her second child born and named him Jordan. Sarah was our foster daughter about 5 years ago. Which makes me a grandma. Weird. I was also there with Sarah when she delivered McKenna two years ago. Which give me a strong connection to these babies. It is always a beautiful moment to see a baby come into the world. Baby Jordan was at Primary Childrens Hospital this week with a staff infection. Hopefully this cute boy starts feeling better from here on out. I worry about this little family but there is always hope.
Picasso's Apprentice
I came home from walking Katrina to school last week.
Spencer said: Richard had a pencil.
Me: Did you take it away?
Spencer: Yes, but he was coloring on the wall.
Me: What?
Okay he is 10 months old. I'm thinking it was one little line scribble. But NO, I was wrong and the proof is in the pudding (or photograph).
It just happens to be on the same wall I showed a picture of in my post My Little Picasso. A few days after the penciling graffiti, we got a confession from Picasso, concerning one very straight line around half her room in red crayon. Hmmmnnn, I'm thinking Richard had a master instructor. What do you think? I think I need to stock up on Magic Erasers.
Spencer said: Richard had a pencil.
Me: Did you take it away?
Spencer: Yes, but he was coloring on the wall.
Me: What?
Okay he is 10 months old. I'm thinking it was one little line scribble. But NO, I was wrong and the proof is in the pudding (or photograph).
It just happens to be on the same wall I showed a picture of in my post My Little Picasso. A few days after the penciling graffiti, we got a confession from Picasso, concerning one very straight line around half her room in red crayon. Hmmmnnn, I'm thinking Richard had a master instructor. What do you think? I think I need to stock up on Magic Erasers.
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