A words

Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, A.D.D., and drum roll please......AUTISM. Mckenna is autistic. The first time I heard this I was thrilled. Yes, I really was because finally someone listened to me and validated all of my thoughts and feelings. But then the next day it hit me in the stomach hard. I am still working on the grieving process. She scored high enough to rank autism disorder but she is more likely P.D.D. spectrum. With Mckenna it is so complicated because of her other diagnosis which include Reactive Attachment Disorder, Anxiety mood disorder, P.I.C.A., P.T.S.D. Labels are helpful because then I know what I am up against and then educate myself about the label or maybe they just make me feel like there is control to the chaos.

I think autism is like a little furry monster in the brain with crazy googly eyes that runs around pooping and peeing on everything and while laughing, pulls out plugs. Autism can be a gift, to be able to see things in such extreme detail while teaching those around them true love. But for a parent of an autistic child, autism is a purple monster in the brain of your child.

What keeps me going is the 2 or 3 times that I have seen the REAL Mckenna. She is beautiful and compassionate! I am glad God has given me those glimpses so I can have something to hold onto during bad seasons.

With the kids food allergies, asthma, autism and suspected A.D.D., I am putting half our family on a gluten/casein free diet. In other words I am relearning how to cook. Wheat is in so many things. A loaf of gluten free bread is $6. I think our grocery bill is going to at least double. But I feel in my heart that this is the right direction to go. Healing through biomedical ways instead of putting band aids on symptoms.

I never thought I would medicate a three year old. But then we got Kenna. She lives in terror and thus, so do we. Spencer and I agree that this is the hardest thing we have ever done. I would prefer three high risk teenagers over one broken brained three year old.
I was told that PDD kids get easier when they hit 5 1/2 to 6 years old. I hope we make it. The other morning Mckenna had 5 tantrums before 8:30 am. The painful thing is that she can hold it together for other people and in public but at home she falls apart. People that don't know Kenna well think she is just an active cute girl with big brown eyes. I wish it was the opposite, that she was bad for other people and great for me so that I don't look like "one of those" moms. Okay lets face it I am "one of those" moms.

She has pushed me to do my own personal work. I have to take care of Danielle. I do more self care than ever and I still feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails. 85% of marriages with an autistic child end in divorce. Trials bring us closer and make us stronger or make us bitter. July and August were really hard. Because of the stress my hair started falling out, every day for three weeks I had migraine headaches, I woke up and literally could not get out of bed because my back was so messed up, and I can't loose my "Mckenna adoption weight" because my cortisone levels are so high.
This is sounding very whinny but it feels good to purge. I am sorry but you may be reading my journaling therapy.

I have so much to learn and have been given so many gifts. The best gifts have come in the form of people in my life.

Good news. I am in art school at CAS in Springville and I am taking private lessons from Patrick Devonas, a master of painting. Also, I am running my first half marathon on Halloween. Go me!