New Hair!

It has been a while since I have last posted. At this time in my life I have very little me time. I think of things to blog about but to find time to sit down and actually do it is another thing.

It's such a fine line balancing act. To keep my health up so I can care for others. Right now I'm fighting a sinus infection and urinary tract infection. I hate to complain but CAN I HAVE MY RESURRECTED BODY ALREADY! One of my greatest challenges in this life has been the limits I have due to this immortal body. I wish I could do more, meaning all the things in my heart. I wait for the day I can paint more. God has given me this intense yearning to create. I've been working on the same oil painting for years and doing water color on the side. Art makes me feel whole. Scrape booking is like my cheap art thrill. It lets out some of that creative energy but painting is the true avenue which asks so much more. But that pure avenue also scares me because it is like opening up myself, raw to others. My art teacher has taught me to love the process which has help me overcome the fear. For a long time I couldn't paint because it was too close to my depression. But now I feel I have overcome a lot of that with angels holding my hand. Scrape booking is also for my kids while painting is more about me. Some days I feel like I give so much that there is no more to give.

This entry got more personal than I was planning. I wanted to post about Makenna. Makenna and I met Sarah, her birth mother after Christmas at McDonald's. Sarah notice the major changes in Makenna, Makenna was having a good day. I was interesting to see how Makenna interacted with her Mother of 2 years. Makenna just stared at Sarah and then occasionally the corner of her mouth would curl up. She never tried to touch her Mother and vice verse. She came to me when she needed anything. She pooped 4 times while we were there. Her therapist said it's called emotional dumping. (Hehe). Sarah came with arms full of gifts. She really wants Makenna to know that she loved her. As we were getting ready to leave, I was putting Makenna in her car seat, Sarah asked if she could hold her. I said yes. Makenna let her hold her and Sarah cried. It was hard.

A few weeks ago Sarah called and said she was frightened to say something to me. She wants Makenna back. She said that Makenna was her daughter and that she needs her daughter. She said, " I know I promised you I wouldn't do this but......". I tried not to rage. A little leaked out. I told her I would never allow Makenna to be damaged more. I pointed out the work we were doing to repair that damage done. We have around 25 appointments a month to help Makenna and our family work through the damage done. I have never shown Sarah anything but Love and Respect. Ouch. It hurts that she will step on anyone to have her needs met. I should let you know that earlier that day she told me that she wanted to leave her husband but couldn't get housing unless she had 2 children. SICK! But again she was damaged early too. But I always hope she would choose a better path.

I told her that our conversation was over and that if she wanted professional counseling to help her work through her feelings we would provide that. I love Sarah but Makenna comes first. So we have cut off contact. Sarah threatens that she is pursuing legal action because she felt pushed into the adoption, even though she came to us about the adoption, and she had postpartum depression. And to that I say bring it on. Thanks goodness we are protected by law and there is nothing she can do.

Makenna regresses and improves depending on the day. Yesterday the food gorging was much less. She has learned to say "I'm scared!" instead of "Drink!" She still get the wild animal looks in her eyes when we are in new situations or transitioning. Spencer calls it the "sky diving look." She is scared out of her mind and smiling because of the adrenaline rush. She is a surviver. When she is in a public place and freaking out I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "I didn't do this to her! She came like this!" I guess thats just my pride that doesn't want people judging me for the way she acts.

Our attachment is so much better this month. We regressed her to taking bottles while holding and rocking, providing her with a safe avenue to attach. She now gives me the gift of eye contact. Attachment is formed by age 3. So we are doing everything in our power to give her the opportunity to bond and feel safe.

I love to show off Makenna's hair line. She has been through so much tauma and maybe low nutrition that her hair was thin, really thin. But now I want to show the world her hairline because just like me after being pregnant, she is growing in new hair on her hair line. It is short but it is there. I think the reason I'm so proud of this is because it's visual proof of the work I'm doing. I can't show you a plaque on the wall for all the hours of stress, anger, and frustration that comes with working with Reactive Attachment Disorder but I can show you the hair growing on Makenna's hair line which is proof of nurtuting and growth.

I'm not looking for pats on the back I just want validation for the blood and sweat that comes with this work. This work is different than the work I did with our foster daughters because so much more healing can happen at 2 than 14. It is sad but true. Also, this work is different because after we go to the temple to be sealed, this relationship will be for time and all eternity.

I am looking forward to the day Makenna stops calling me "Daddy." I can laugh about it but it is important to me for Makenna to understand what "Mommy" means. I think that day is coming soon.