To our Family and Friends about McKenna

Dear family and friends,

McKenna has been the greatest challenge that Spencer and I have ever had. I would take three high risk teenager girls over one 35 pound three year old. Trials make us bitter or stronger. I prefer the latter.

We have now had Mckenna for one year. When we first got Mckenna we had no idea that she was so broken. She came to us 26 months old with a five word vocabulary, she now has over 250 words in her vocabulary. She was anxious about food -- there was never enough, gorging until she would throw up and hoarding sippy cups under her bed. It is really sad, she never once asked for her mother. She hadn't formed an attachment to a parent figure, causing Reactive Attachment Disorder. I thank God that we got her before the age of three because at three years old attachment seals over like cement. If attachment has not occurred before that time it becomes like chipping away at cement.

We worked so hard, it took months before she would drink from a bottle and let us rock her to form trust. We had over 30 appointments a month in therapy. Later came brief moments of eye contact. I saw the REAL Mckenna only 2 times in our first 11 months with her. Those brief glimpses kept me going on days that I was emotionally done with her. When Mckenna's Psychiatrist told me that she had attached, I almost cried with joy. It took so much heartache and rejection after rejection. Her attachment is still not secure but it is there. I continue to feed her at least one meal a day to help her remember to trust that we will take care of her and that she will have enough food.

This summer Mckenna's attachment was getting better but her anxiety was getting worse so last month we went in for more assessments.


On top of the disorders from neglect, Mckenna was diagnosed with Autism spectrum last month. She has PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PDD). We are still trying to learn what that means.

Autism has a spectrum of disorders with autistic disorder being the most severe, Mckenna has a higher-functioning form. 1 in 1,000 children born in the U.S. are diagnosed with PDD. Mckenna is very intelligent and clever. PDD is a neurological condition, the cause is genetics and possibly infection, immune system problems, allergies, even drugs or environmental pollution. PDD children tantrum A LOT until about age 5 1/2 to 6 years old because their brains have mini seizures. Mckenna's vocabulary/language is advanced considering that she has PDD. With early intervention and LOTS of support PDD people go to school, work, marry and have families.

This Wednesday at 7pm Kids On The Move in Orem has a panel with adults who have autism discussing what it is like to be autistic. If you are interested we would love to have you come.

Red Box has a great movie out called Temple Grandin. Dr. Temple Grandin has a different form of autism than Mckenna but the movie helped us understand a little better what it is like to be in Mckenna's skin. Anxious! Like McKenna says, "I need to calm down."

Carie sent me a great link to a pod cast. Mckenna is not as severe as the two stories (act one and two) in the pod cast, but I totally relate to the parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder and autistic children: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/unconditional-love

Mckenna's senses are much more sensitive than ours, she hears things 10 times louder than we do, lights are much brighter. Textures are wonderful or exhausting to her. She craves physical stimulus similar to an itch on your back that can't be reached. Sometimes she can't get enough stimulation and other times she is way over stimulated, it is a fine line. She doesn't read social cues, so social situations and groups of people stress her out. Some suggestions.....When you greet her, if she doesn't greet you, she is probably overwhelmed, it's best to just ignore her. But if she approaches you, by all means quietly greet her remembering that loud noises stress her out. It is better to go into her world and bring her out to our world. When she behaves like a wild animal, look at her and think "she is crying for help." A mom with an autistic son recently told me that autism is like having a little purple monster in the brain that runs around pulling out plugs and pooping all over.

Autistic children tend to have a lot of allergies and immune system problems (Mckenna had tubes put in her ears last June after 8 ear infections in 3 months). She is on a special diet that helps her tummy and brain a lot. No gluten (wheat, rye, and barley), no casein (dairy), no food dyes/preservatives and very little sugar.

She really likes coloring, school, riding the bus to school, play dough, riding her bike, touching water, swinging, back scratches, baby wipes, lotion, singing songs, and stickers. She is very proud that she poops and pees in the potty.

We now have medication. The changes we see happen slowly but the progress is very exciting. Instead of being a terrorized hyperactive child, she is now a happy hyperactive child. Yeah for drugs! We get more glimpses of the REAL Mckenna verses the SICK Mckenna. Last month she started saying, "I love you Mommy" or "I love you Daddy."

Every time I have to write Mckenna's surname (Morgan) it pulls at my heart. It reminds me that we have not finalized the adoption and she is not ours eternally, yet. We are working on accessing subsidies for adopting a special needs child via social security disabilities because therapy and medication is expensive. Therefore, we will probably not have the adoption finalized for a while still as we wait for more word on the SSI help.

This is a long post but I wanted to communicate with you concerning our needs and appreciation of your support concerning the ongoing saga of Mckenna. We could not do this without your support. It is REALLY hard. But we know without a doubt that it is the right thing to do. Love is greater than fear! I think that sometimes we are given more than we can handle..... so that we are forced to ask for help - both from the Lord as well as from family and others. We are very blessed.


P.S. This is Spencer. I know at times it may have appeared that I was not on board with the decision to keep McKenna because, well, it was true - I wasn't on board. I kept hoping that Danielle would change her mind and give McKenna back to Sarah (her birth mom). I kept seeing McKenna as a temporary trial that we had to endure until some not-so-distant future date that we could finally get rid of her. Come to think of it, this manner of thinking was really damaging not only my relationship with her, but it was even damaging me, to an extent. I recently (within the past month) came to the understanding that this is something that not just Danielle, but the Lord wants me to do. I realize how hard it is to love her and to eventually accept her as our own (which I'm still struggling with), but I feel that if the Lord wants us to do something, we should probably do it, regardless of the difficulty of the task. I was only able to recently come to this understanding via some heavy soul searching and a ton of prayer and faith in the Lord. I might ask each of you to say a prayer - not necessarily for us, but for yourselves - to learn that this is what God wants our family to do. It's hard because I can see in so many of our family members' eyes the sense of foreboding and fear that McKenna might end up tearing our family and marriage apart. All I can ask is that each of you have the faith and acceptance that everything is going to be okay. I realize that it is going to be hard, but I know it will be worth it in the end.


We are not saints or think we are better than others for having Mckenna, we are not unique in our trials, we all have hard things in our lives in one form or another. We are taking it a day at a time, just like you.



Love,

Danielle and Spence

A words

Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, A.D.D., and drum roll please......AUTISM. Mckenna is autistic. The first time I heard this I was thrilled. Yes, I really was because finally someone listened to me and validated all of my thoughts and feelings. But then the next day it hit me in the stomach hard. I am still working on the grieving process. She scored high enough to rank autism disorder but she is more likely P.D.D. spectrum. With Mckenna it is so complicated because of her other diagnosis which include Reactive Attachment Disorder, Anxiety mood disorder, P.I.C.A., P.T.S.D. Labels are helpful because then I know what I am up against and then educate myself about the label or maybe they just make me feel like there is control to the chaos.

I think autism is like a little furry monster in the brain with crazy googly eyes that runs around pooping and peeing on everything and while laughing, pulls out plugs. Autism can be a gift, to be able to see things in such extreme detail while teaching those around them true love. But for a parent of an autistic child, autism is a purple monster in the brain of your child.

What keeps me going is the 2 or 3 times that I have seen the REAL Mckenna. She is beautiful and compassionate! I am glad God has given me those glimpses so I can have something to hold onto during bad seasons.

With the kids food allergies, asthma, autism and suspected A.D.D., I am putting half our family on a gluten/casein free diet. In other words I am relearning how to cook. Wheat is in so many things. A loaf of gluten free bread is $6. I think our grocery bill is going to at least double. But I feel in my heart that this is the right direction to go. Healing through biomedical ways instead of putting band aids on symptoms.

I never thought I would medicate a three year old. But then we got Kenna. She lives in terror and thus, so do we. Spencer and I agree that this is the hardest thing we have ever done. I would prefer three high risk teenagers over one broken brained three year old.
I was told that PDD kids get easier when they hit 5 1/2 to 6 years old. I hope we make it. The other morning Mckenna had 5 tantrums before 8:30 am. The painful thing is that she can hold it together for other people and in public but at home she falls apart. People that don't know Kenna well think she is just an active cute girl with big brown eyes. I wish it was the opposite, that she was bad for other people and great for me so that I don't look like "one of those" moms. Okay lets face it I am "one of those" moms.

She has pushed me to do my own personal work. I have to take care of Danielle. I do more self care than ever and I still feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails. 85% of marriages with an autistic child end in divorce. Trials bring us closer and make us stronger or make us bitter. July and August were really hard. Because of the stress my hair started falling out, every day for three weeks I had migraine headaches, I woke up and literally could not get out of bed because my back was so messed up, and I can't loose my "Mckenna adoption weight" because my cortisone levels are so high.
This is sounding very whinny but it feels good to purge. I am sorry but you may be reading my journaling therapy.

I have so much to learn and have been given so many gifts. The best gifts have come in the form of people in my life.

Good news. I am in art school at CAS in Springville and I am taking private lessons from Patrick Devonas, a master of painting. Also, I am running my first half marathon on Halloween. Go me!

M18 Hellcat 1of2

M18 Hellcat 1of2

Here is part one of two about M18 Hellcat tanks that my cousin posted on facebook. Part two talks about restoring the same tank my Grandpa drove as a tank commander in WW2. It was found in eastern Europe. It survived WW2 and a few more wars in eastern Europe before finding it's way to Utah to be restored. What are the chances! The same tank he drove in Battle of the Bulge.

M18 Hellcat 2of2

M18 Hellcat 2of2

I am so proud of my Grandpa Verle Breinholt. Check out the link above.

AddThis - Get Your Button Code

AddThis - Get Your Button Code

Running Away on Vantentines Day

Today Alex decided to run away. While doing time in "time out" he concocted a plan. He packed some clothes in his pillowcase and then with Katrina's help loaded another pillowcase up with snacks. With a plan and supplies he walked 10 yards to his friend's house, Gracie, next door. The neighbors were not home to welcome him into his new home so he decided to wait it out on the porch. At this point Cynthia decided she wanted to live with Gracie too and packed her pillowcase with supplies to run away. Alex and Cynthia hung out on the neighbors porch laying on pillows and eating Valentine candy. Cynthia soon chickened out once the sun started going down and it got cooler. Katrina acts as the liaison, keeping us up to date on the situation and his needs. He came home for dinner and to use the potty. Life on the streets is hard for a five year old on Valentines day.

New Hair!

It has been a while since I have last posted. At this time in my life I have very little me time. I think of things to blog about but to find time to sit down and actually do it is another thing.

It's such a fine line balancing act. To keep my health up so I can care for others. Right now I'm fighting a sinus infection and urinary tract infection. I hate to complain but CAN I HAVE MY RESURRECTED BODY ALREADY! One of my greatest challenges in this life has been the limits I have due to this immortal body. I wish I could do more, meaning all the things in my heart. I wait for the day I can paint more. God has given me this intense yearning to create. I've been working on the same oil painting for years and doing water color on the side. Art makes me feel whole. Scrape booking is like my cheap art thrill. It lets out some of that creative energy but painting is the true avenue which asks so much more. But that pure avenue also scares me because it is like opening up myself, raw to others. My art teacher has taught me to love the process which has help me overcome the fear. For a long time I couldn't paint because it was too close to my depression. But now I feel I have overcome a lot of that with angels holding my hand. Scrape booking is also for my kids while painting is more about me. Some days I feel like I give so much that there is no more to give.

This entry got more personal than I was planning. I wanted to post about Makenna. Makenna and I met Sarah, her birth mother after Christmas at McDonald's. Sarah notice the major changes in Makenna, Makenna was having a good day. I was interesting to see how Makenna interacted with her Mother of 2 years. Makenna just stared at Sarah and then occasionally the corner of her mouth would curl up. She never tried to touch her Mother and vice verse. She came to me when she needed anything. She pooped 4 times while we were there. Her therapist said it's called emotional dumping. (Hehe). Sarah came with arms full of gifts. She really wants Makenna to know that she loved her. As we were getting ready to leave, I was putting Makenna in her car seat, Sarah asked if she could hold her. I said yes. Makenna let her hold her and Sarah cried. It was hard.

A few weeks ago Sarah called and said she was frightened to say something to me. She wants Makenna back. She said that Makenna was her daughter and that she needs her daughter. She said, " I know I promised you I wouldn't do this but......". I tried not to rage. A little leaked out. I told her I would never allow Makenna to be damaged more. I pointed out the work we were doing to repair that damage done. We have around 25 appointments a month to help Makenna and our family work through the damage done. I have never shown Sarah anything but Love and Respect. Ouch. It hurts that she will step on anyone to have her needs met. I should let you know that earlier that day she told me that she wanted to leave her husband but couldn't get housing unless she had 2 children. SICK! But again she was damaged early too. But I always hope she would choose a better path.

I told her that our conversation was over and that if she wanted professional counseling to help her work through her feelings we would provide that. I love Sarah but Makenna comes first. So we have cut off contact. Sarah threatens that she is pursuing legal action because she felt pushed into the adoption, even though she came to us about the adoption, and she had postpartum depression. And to that I say bring it on. Thanks goodness we are protected by law and there is nothing she can do.

Makenna regresses and improves depending on the day. Yesterday the food gorging was much less. She has learned to say "I'm scared!" instead of "Drink!" She still get the wild animal looks in her eyes when we are in new situations or transitioning. Spencer calls it the "sky diving look." She is scared out of her mind and smiling because of the adrenaline rush. She is a surviver. When she is in a public place and freaking out I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "I didn't do this to her! She came like this!" I guess thats just my pride that doesn't want people judging me for the way she acts.

Our attachment is so much better this month. We regressed her to taking bottles while holding and rocking, providing her with a safe avenue to attach. She now gives me the gift of eye contact. Attachment is formed by age 3. So we are doing everything in our power to give her the opportunity to bond and feel safe.

I love to show off Makenna's hair line. She has been through so much tauma and maybe low nutrition that her hair was thin, really thin. But now I want to show the world her hairline because just like me after being pregnant, she is growing in new hair on her hair line. It is short but it is there. I think the reason I'm so proud of this is because it's visual proof of the work I'm doing. I can't show you a plaque on the wall for all the hours of stress, anger, and frustration that comes with working with Reactive Attachment Disorder but I can show you the hair growing on Makenna's hair line which is proof of nurtuting and growth.

I'm not looking for pats on the back I just want validation for the blood and sweat that comes with this work. This work is different than the work I did with our foster daughters because so much more healing can happen at 2 than 14. It is sad but true. Also, this work is different because after we go to the temple to be sealed, this relationship will be for time and all eternity.

I am looking forward to the day Makenna stops calling me "Daddy." I can laugh about it but it is important to me for Makenna to understand what "Mommy" means. I think that day is coming soon.